My Mother Misspelled my Name

How I became my mother’s favorite child

Originally published in Insider

I was supposed to be a boy. I was going to be named David, yet instead of segueing right into Davida, my mother took that D and made my middle name Danielle. Then, for whatever reason, she named me Elana. Not Ilana, or Alana, or a name that people could actually pronounce, but Elana, only you pronounce it like Alana.

Five letters that would define me and all those little kids everywhere who would not have a keychain or a premade souvenir with their name on it. We would be part of the world of the censorious ones. Always feeling like fingernails on a chalkboard when someone would pronounce our names inevitably wrong.

I wasn’t my mom’s favorite child

My brother’s name is Josh. And he got a hell of a lot more than just key chains, he got my mother’s love. I wanted that too.

One day, later in life, my mother told me her true feelings. “Well, once your sister was born, I didn’t want another girl.”

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I think I sensed this disappointment from the womb. It was as if I knew she wanted a boy, and so when I came out, wanted to be the perfect little kid. And so, I slept when she said it was time to sleep, and I ate when it was meal time, and I barely even cried.

I even let her cut my hair short. And found boys to be friends with over girls.